Ok fellas, Valentine’s Day is a few days away and regardless of the constant flood of commercials from candy, flower and teddy bear pushers this may be your first time hearing about it. Don’t fear because I am going to let you in on my secret tool that is going to help make your Valentine’s Day an unforgettable one. All you will need is some hot oil, an electrical outlet and some meat…..ok get your mind out of the gutter for the two seconds, I am talking about a fondue pot.
Yes fondue like that Melting Pot place. I have never been to The Melting Pot but see little need when I have the tools to make “The Melting Pot” in our dining room. Sure you can do what you do every year and make some last minute reservation at stuffy old Chez la PooPoo, then maybe go watch Jenifer Aniston be her cute, helpless and confused self on the big screen. At the end of the day this is expensive and expected. So here is a step by step guide to a romantic Valentine’s evening that can only go wrong if you’re a klutz and spill hot scalding oil on your date and end up in the ER instead of the BR.
1. Head down to your local department store and grab a fondue pot. They range in price from $25.00-$100.00. There is no reason why you shouldn’t be able to find one that for $30.00-$40.00 that will do the trick. I own one made by Rival that runs 29.99 at Wally World.
2. While in the department store, head over to the Foo Foo section and grab some baby oil (no genius not to cook with), bubble bath and a few candles.
3. Stop at your local grocery store (Food Lion for me) and pick up some meat and veggies to cook. It’s ok if the lady is a vegetarian because there are plenty of veggies that will work here. Pick up some chicken breast, steak, shrimp, zucchini, mushrooms, bell peppers, and cooking oil. You can also do a side salad and/or some rice.
4. For dessert hit the fruit section for a couple of bananas and strawberries. If you don’t have milk at home get grab some and a bar of chocolate from the baking section.
5. Stick a dollar in the Red box machine and pick out a movie.
6. Send the lady out for a manicure/massage or to Vicki’s secret.
7. Now head home, break out your “kiss the cook” apron and get busy. Chop the meat and veggies up in to approx ¾” cubes, season with Montreal Steak Season and place in the refrigerator until ready. (for extra flavor marinate the chicken in Italian dressing)
8. Know about what time the guest of honor is arriving have a nice bubble bath ready in a dark bathroom with candles lit. Return to the kitchen and fill your fondue pot to the “fill line” and turn the heat up to 350degs.
9. Return to the bathroom with a glass of her favorite wine or champagne, note the ear to ear smile and pat yourself on the back on the way out.
10. By the time she is done with her bath, have your oil warm with meat veggies out for display (easy boy, not those meat and veggies, put your damn clothes back on).
12. Turn the television off and put on sexy time music (you can’t go wrong with good ole Luther Vandross)
11. Poke your food with the skewers and immerse your eats in the hot oil to your desired doneness. Also, have you favorite sauces ready for dipping. Feed each other and talk about puppies, kittens and love (avoid religion, politics or anything you saw on sports center today).
12. When dinner is done put some butter in a small sauce pan and melt. Add the chocolate and melt over a low heat. Add a little bit of milk to loosen things up. Pour the hot chocolate into a bowl and return to the table with your fruit.
13. Feed and tease each other with hot chocolate covered fruit until you can’t take it anymore, skip the movie, grab the baby oil and as the great Teddy Pendergrass once said “Turn off the lights….and light a candle”
Well guys this is 13 easy steps to a great Valentine’s Day that won’t break the bank and will yield you about 1,000 effort points and nothing here is very hard. Ladies reading this, go ahead and forward this on to the lucky guy or surprise him with the above, either way you both will enjoy.
Happy Valentine’s Day and let me know how it all worked out (keep it PG, this isn’t Penthouse Letters).